It's officailly been forever

Here's my excuses, first our Internet broke, my parents hijacked the computer to talk to our Realtor, the i was sick, then I graduated. Intense stuff, right? but that's just beginning. Here's whats happened since I was last on.

Death of OBL: Ok, to be completely honest I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yes I know I sound like a traitor but after he died I started to wonder what drove him to do what he did. I can't help but wonder what he was like as a child. I know that God has a plan for every one and i can't help but wonder what his destiny could have been. On the other hand I'm glad we don't have to worry about him any more. I actually feel safer, even though I didn't realize i felt threatened in the first place.

Increasing injuries: I've been getting pretty jacked recently. I have bruises and cuts and the like all over the place. In fact I think I may have sprained my ankle yesterday. But I rebuke that!

Weird dreams: I've had really weird dreams lately.... It's kind of freaking me out. Lots of confrontations, confessions, and new friends(?). Strange stuff...

Chile: Most of you know the story, and no matter what Alexis says I beat him!! Ha

Pbc: I'm really excited!!! I know my group but I don't know them so it's bound to be fun! I just can't wait. Oh and i had a crazy dream that Mr. Tyler told me I couldn't go so when in real life he called my name i was relieved!!!

Well I guess that's it for now....

What to say...

There is a lot of things I've wanted to write on this blog... but then I stop and think, What if someone reads this? and i realize that is only half the question. The other half is What if nobody does? Yes I would rather keep most of my thoughts private but there's others that I wish someone would read. Like the fact that I've never had a best friend and as much as I laugh it off, I kinda want one. But It's my fault that I don't because i haven't let anybody come that close. Or that while some girls dream of their wedding my only dream was to go to prom. But I would give anything to erase last year because my Mom found out that I wanted to go and asked people to take me. As if that wasn't embarassing. And I know no one will ask me so I'll go alone and wonder why I ever wanted to go. Or that I've moved so much that I've become calluoesed when it comes to people and every time I've said I miss you it's just empty words. Or that no matter what I do I seem stuck in the worst and best days of my life. These are some of the things I'm afraid someone will read yet afraid they won't.

It Feels Like Forever Ago

It has been so long... But i have a half way decent excuse... ok to be honest, Its pretty LAME. It's just that I've been pretty busy with school and my state test. Which reminds me you know nothing about that. Well ok, I have been taking my CNA class for about a month and I PASSED!!! Yay! But I think what I have liked the most about the class wasn't really from the class itself. It was from the bus. Yes the city bus. I'm not so sure why so many people make a big deal about the bus as if its some scary place full of thugs and pickpockets. I loooove the bus. I can't really explain it though... but even in Pueblo I loved it. Some of my more uppity friends act as if it is the most horrible thing in the world which cracks me up. Anyway I feel kind of bad for not posting because I really enjoy it.

Fears

I heard that writing down your fears helps you get over them. It is believed that by seeing the fear written out it causes them to be less mysterious, allowing the mind to fully grasp the fear and why the fear persists. In the understanding it can rationalize and overcome. Or something like that. I'm not sure if i believe it but I'm going to take a shot. I fear growing older. I know it's silly. I know that I cannot stop getting older. Now don't get me wrong I don't fear death. I fear ageing. Ever year that passes I can't help but look back and think how insignificant it was. I suppose what i really fear is being forgotten. Not by random strangers that saw me walking down the street but honestly after I pass on how many years will i be remembered. Five, ten, twenty, I see in history those that will never be forgotten Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, Rosa Parks, George Washington, Noah, Job, Napoleon, Al capon, Hitler, Elvis Presley, The Beetles. Whether it's for good or for bad they will be remembered. What about those who will only be remembered by few such as Martin Luther, Joan of Arc, Banquo, Mary Shelly, Thomas Pain, they too did great things but will they be buried in history soon to be forgotten. What about those are forever lost to history who did very little or nothing at all to change history. I suppose that is my true fear. Doing nothing, being nothing, becoming nothing. Soon to be forgotten. I'm not sure this worked but it was good to get it out.

Graduation

It almost feels surreal. As my little brother goes to school each morning I stay home and help my mother clean and do everything that needs to be done. I am so excited about having graduated early but I can't help but feel an eccentric premonition. As if at any second some one could yell "Bazinga" and I would be sitting back in Mesa. Mesa wasn't a bad school in the normal sense but I had the hardest time there out of the three high schools I went to. I can't help but thank God that I was grated the opportunity to graduate early. One important thing I learned at Mesa however was when we go through hard times God doesn't automatically save us but he provides the strength to persevere.

My Testomony

I knew God. I had forced my parents to take me to church as a child. I had served Him most of my childhood. So when things got tough I knew what I was supposed to do but I turned away. My eighth grade year I gave up God to do my own thing. I began compromising in every aspect of my life I live my life how ever I felt like lying, stealing, manipulating became normal to me. I faced depression, and an abusive relationship. Depression is more then an ongoing sadness. It was something that controlled every aspect of my life leaving me bitter and hateful towards God and my-self. But as my self loathing increased so did God's mercy. I caved in and prayed. I knew I didn't deserve God's love or grace, and I would have understood if He had left me like I left him. But He didn't. He loved me and reached down to me and told me that i was worth it. That He was willing. But the only way He would do something is if I gave Him everything. So I did. I still am. Life hasn't become all flowers and Cotton candy but now I'm not alone, I'm not depressed. God has moved in my life and though I'm nowhere close to where I should be, I'm still fighting. Thank You, God for what You have done in my life.